Secret Gossip

I just saw my former friend, whom I will call "T."  She was once a good friend of my wife and I.  Then she was rude to my beautiful wife in a convoluted way I no longer remember, and now I hate her.  She came into the bookstore I run.  I thought people should know that she:
a) is fat, with more chins than both the baby (who is supposed to be fat) and his recently-pregnant mother (i.e. me, who has a damn good excuse)
b) wore a hideous scarf with roses (!) on it, in attempt at cool-pseudo-old-lady-retro, but instead appearing like actual-old-lady-doesn't-know-scarf-is-gauche
c) was mistaken at her work place for a republican (probably because she looks like one now, what with that scarf, which I think I saw on Cindy McCain the other day)
d) is miserable at her job and cannot find another one
e) STILL hasn't gotten married to that slacker fiance of hers
f) is not even living with that slacker fiance of hers, who is too "southern" to live with her, which is bullshit because I know "southern", and we shack up without marriage like nobody's business.

I was super-nice to her, in that way we are with the people we hate.  And I elicited all of this information without directly questioning her.  But since she thinks I am dumb, she probably bought it and walked off wondering why she ended up telling me all about the many loser things in her loser life.