Thursday, April 3, 2008

The Final Stretch

In my first trimester I thought I was tired, but really I was just sleepy.  And then in my second trimester I thought I was tired, but really I was just a little piqued.  NOW, I am tired, and I am having cravings.  I thought I had cravings before, but I was mistaken.  I went to Safeway for my Smores ice cream, and they were having a sale on both Ben & Jerry's and Haagen Daaz, so I bought four tubs.  Also, a frozen pizza, a frozen burrito, a bunch of diet soda, bananas, two boxes Pop-tarts, one bag doughnuts, one bag Oreos with double stuff chocolate filling, a Blue Machine, chicken parm Hot Pockets, a grapefruit, and I think much more.  I cannot help it.

I have been hungry since last week, and in spite of my stomach being squashed into a space the size of a grape, I never seem to be full.  Some man in a suit was considering (I could tell. . .) giving me a look while I was in the cookie aisle debating for ten minutes over whether I needed 16 bags of cookies and if so what kind.  I think, as is usual with simpletons, he was confused by my 4 cases of diet soda and many boxes of Pop-tarts co-mingling in cart.  I glared at him and stuck out my belly and thought, "Don't you even look askance, you skinny mother-fucker.  I will kill you.  I will sit on your stupid head."  So, he left without bothering me.

The cashier (another skinny white man) was wiser when I told him to hurry up and scan the doughnut bag so I could eat it.  He did not dare consider giving me a look--just smiled and did what he was told.  Good boy.

So then I took all to car, and somehow it seemed safer to drive to the residence office to pick up my package of baby gear with a Poptart in one hand and a doughnut in the other than to delay eating for a single second longer or to delay driving and risk melting the ice cream.  And of course I had to bring them inside the office with me, where the woman asked when the baby was due and commented on my foods without realizing her life was in jeapordy.  Poor stupid woman did not know whom she was messing with, so I didn't kill her.  I just picked up my package and left.  I hope that these people are grateful when I refrain from killing them.  I hope that they appreciate it.

Then when I got home I had to unload everything one at a time so as not to break pregnant self, and it took like ten trips, and of course then I was starving all over again.  So I put pizza in oven and ate cookies in the meantime. 

Those people--the ones who say pregnant women only need 300 additional calories a day are nimrods.  Just like the people who said pregnant women's heartburn doesn't increase later in the pregnancy.  Why are we even doing studies about these things?  All you have to do is ask any of the 4895723905720582348 women who've ever made it (somehow) through an entire pregnancy, and she will tell you that she needed no additional calories in the beginning and 6000 extra per day in the end, and that the heartburn gets worse as the baby gets bigger.  That is that.  What's to study?  They just don't believe us because we're pregnant.  Grr.

I spilled on myself twice already today, trying to eat too quickly I guess.  Funny how everyone says you will need six outfits a day for your newborn, but nobody tells you that you'll need just as many for self in last trimester, due to clumsy food shoveling.