Mom Jeans

Ok, so. I am blogging with the Blogger iPhone app. We will see how this goes. Reviews are mixed. See below--though actually I don't know where the pic will end up. Scroll around if you can't find it. It's gotta be here somewhere. LauraMB42 down there seems pretty damn riled up, even to the point of accidental rhyming. And we all know it takes a lot to go there.

Recently I've started buying $200 jeans. Well, I get them at Nordstrom Rack (teacher!), but they're still $95ish. "Why??" you may ask. Because! I would do anything to avoid wearing mom jeans.

An. Y. Thing.

I'd pay a thousand dollars. I'd leap into a vat of shit. I'd shoot heroin with a dirty needle. I'd endure Ari's newborn stage all over again. You get the idea. And I think (because this is so logical) that the jeans manufacturers are regulated somehow by some fashion industry body, like the FDA, but for clothes. I have decided this, and I have further decided that one of this mysterious body's regulations is that nobody can charge exorbitant amounts of money for mom jeans. Ergo, my jeans ain't mom jeans. Of course they also don't look like mom jeans. See below (or wherever). If they do, please Jesus somebody tell me. This shit is crucial. It is so important that I have posted a picture of me in my non-mom jeans, just so you will know what to look for, even though I think it makes me look fat. It is that critical, people.

If I ever get caught in mom jeans, you are to immediately contact Mara, my very close friend, at. . . Ok, I'm not really going to give her cell out on my blog. Look her up. Figure it out. You people are smart, right? You're here aren't you?

Mara will know what to do. And what to do is call the police. (Have you noticed yet that for a queer liberal, I'm pretty eager to get close to the po po? What is that about? I do not know.) Anyway. She will stage an intervention and get me a new shrink, since the one I have is obvs not doing anything for me, not having been able to prevent my downward spiral into mom-jean-wearing, completely bananas lunacy. She will come to my house and rip them off of me, by force of necessary, and she will save me. I know this because fashion and I are both very important to her. She will do whatever it takes. So call her. You know when.