Flash Truth

So, I have about fifteen minutes, but was thinking of my friend, Everett, who writes a lot of flash fiction. I like flash fiction because during the school year I'm too busy to read a book. By that I mean that I sit and read chapters 1-6 or something, and by the time I have another moment to read it is months later, and I've forgotten everything that happened. So I start again, but I remember what happened enough to be bored of reading it a second time. The entire reading process is wrecked for me thusly. So: flash fiction. I don't know if the flash refers to the time it takes to write or the time it takes to read or both. I would like to make some, but I have no imagination, so here is some flash truth:

1) Ari won't let me pick him up before 5:30 because they are outside until then, and he refuses to come home when he is outside playing. Today I was early and decided to pick up waffles to kill time because we were down to our last one. B had the same idea, and now we are the proud owners of approximately six thousand waffles.

2) One time I asked B to send me this song on Spotify, but she accidentally posted it to Facebook instead. We were in the car, which made it hard to delete the post because the app is so imperfect. She managed to delete it, but then it still kept showing up in the feed. Then of course, she couldn't click on it to further delete it, since it was gone (but still there). Maddening! "I'm going to kill myself," she said. And I knew just what she meant, and we laughed and laughed. If that's not marriage, people, then what is? Don't give me your one man one woman malarkey. A marriage can be a bunch of queer-mos and our house-guests. 

3) When I was 14, I had a Walkman, and on long car rides I listened to Sinead O'Connor's The Lion and the Cobra. One time my mom borrowed it to see what all the fuss was about. She listened for about 11 seconds and then said, "no wonder you're so miserable all the time."

4) I want to buy a decanter. First, however, I must tell all the world how I feel about stemless wineglasses:

no. 

I do not like them, Sam-I-Am. They may look good, but humans are warm-blooded creatures, and our hands are hot all the time, and wine should not be. Even reds should be chilled. Of course we all know this, since only smart people read this blog, but you may not have realized that in order to keep wine chilled during the time it takes to drink, you must not touch the glass! Because you! Are a burning goddamned sun, a world of heat, a toxic lava flow! That's right, you. So not only must you not use, purchase, or otherwise encourage the existence of stemless wine glasses, but you must also hold the proper, stemmed wineglass by the stem, with your pinky out like the queer-mo you know you are, so that your hot little hands don't touch the bowl within which the wine sits. Just do that, ok, and nobody gets hurt. And tell me what decanter to buy. 

Here are some humorous decanter reviews I encountered. I must admit that when Amazon suggested stemless wine glasses to me while I was looking to decant, I almost wrote a review of my own all about what they could do with their stemless, poseur wine glasses.

5) In this gum container, under the leaves, is a six-day-old caterpillar carcass, which I have been bullied into preserving, all gross-and-creepy-like, by a five-year-old. Sigh. 

6) This is on my porch, bitches. Tell me you're not jealous.

The end.