Baby on Board

This morning I was walking to kickboxing, and I saw a man (grown) with a baby (infant) on a bike. What I mean by this is that this crazy, bananas man was RIDING!!! his bicycle with a BABY INFANT in his arms. WHILE HE WAS RIDING THE BIKE! Neither of them was wearing a helmet. (Obvs the bike helmet manufacturers don't make helmets to fit BABY INFANTS, not because they hope to increase head injuries among babies, but because BABY INFANTS DO NOT BELONG ON BIKES!) I know you're thinking this must have been right outside 17 crack houses, where crimes are going on all over the place and people use machine guns to unclog the toilet, but it was in my upper-crustich neighborhood. Here is an illustration to assist in your understanding. 

What else goes on in my wild and crazy neighborhood? Well! I'll tell you what: at my son's school's Family Fun Day on Friday afternoon, two different men (married, from the looks of it) tried to pick me up. Because! That's what you do at Family Fun Day at a sodding PRESCHOOL, for heaven's sake! You try to pick up random mommies. Before I go any further, let me pause to tell everyone I know from my son's school that no, it was not your husband. And no, I don't know the men's names (There were two.) or remember what they looked like. They were both strangers. So one guy came up and said, "what's going on over there?" He pointed at the tent across the parking lot. I told him there was food and drinks and tattoos and face painting. I'm fairly certain the parents of the preschool set know that when I say "tattoos" I mean the temporary kind. But not this dude. "Oooh," he said, "wanna watch me get a tattoo?" I managed to avoid saying "yuck" loudly by clamping my hand over my mouth. Then dude said (not noticing my muffled discomfort), "is it worth the walk? I was gonna get my face painted, but I'm afraid. Will you comfort me?" And so on. I left him still babbling, and when he noticed I wasn't there anymore, he simply turned to his right to the next female and continued. The second guy to try to chat me up was similar. Only he wasn't as easily escaped. Finally B showed up (She had a conference call and was late.) and I made a big show of being all over her and tried not to let her leave my side. 

Now: I am sure you people know I am in favor of picking up random women whenever possible. I try not to judge. People should be happy blah, blah, blah. And you know I love my house guests. But this was neither the time nor the place. That's not the kind of "Family Fun Day" the preschool is having, bitches. Stop hitting on mommies!

Baby infants do not belong on bikes. Fun does not belong at Family Fun Day. Can I get an amen?

The end.