Coat.

I have many, many beliefs about fashion. They all contradict each other. This is because I am such A Vast Complexity. My favorite fashion topic is NYC, where people can wear anything they want. Typically, most of them look like Space Aliens, but that is ok because everybody else looks like a Space Alien, too! They do a lot of what I like to call Two Hat Fashion. This involves wearing two hats at the same time. I named it after those hip hop 15 year-olds who wear two trucker hats at once, with the bills turned in different directions, neither one of which is forward. 

In NYC they go beyond even this absurdity. They wear sombreros and tiaras at the same time. They over-accessorize, and it confuses me. They wear couture on the street, and for some reason, no matter the season, all couture has like, built-in accessories, and crazy ones. For instance, there might be a deceased reptile dangling from a sweater. Or like, a keyboard (non-functioning--just for show) attached to the sleeve. So, this is Two Hat Fashion, and NYC has it bad.

I'm not a Two Hat grrl, but I do borrow elements, sometimes. I like a lot of bracelets. Not too many. Like two. I like bright colors. Lately, I like stripes and dots at the same time. Sometimes I wear two scarves. That's like two hats, right?

I have a lot of fashion habits. I usually wear at least two shirt-like garments, even in summer. I get cold. If I wear a t-shirt, it is Very Important that the hem sticks out beneath my sweater. I do not know why this is so.

But let me tell you about my new love, which is not a houseguest and doesn't play ping pong or Ping Pong, but is a coat. I bought this coat as retail therapy, sight unseen. I ordered an XS (men's), and to my astonishment, it fits! Also, it is perfect. It's wool, to which I am kind-of-maybe allergic, but you know. Fashion before comfort. 

 

This doesn't capture the loveliness because pictures cannot do justice, but you get the idea. I like the red. Love the squarish cut of the zipper pulls. Love love love that red piping, and the thousand pockets, and the white striped sleeve lining, and the toggle buttons. I feel like a little girl with a new dress. 

So, I took this picture in the carpool lane, which moves not at all for 15 minutes at a time, and I got honked at because I did not immediately jettison my car forward when the car in front of me moved imperceptibly, creating a two centimeter gap. And I was like:

"Shut. Up. Motherfucker! Do you not see I am TAKING PICTURES OF MY LOVE?"

Luckily, they did not hear me, and then I ran over a cone. It rolled into the little sixth grade safety patrol, and she tripped and fell, so I was Satan. Yeah, generally, it wasn't a good day at the carpool lane. 

But then, during my second 15 minute wait time, I was looking around, and I spotted a piece of lint on my thigh, which I gobbled up. I thought it was chocolate. When I realized it was lint, I thought, "omg, I've eaten lint. Wool lint! To which I am allergic! Will I die? I hope I don't die. But wait! How utterly insensitive of me to be concerned about my own health when I have eaten part of My Love!"

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking the Coat is navy, and thus makes navy lint, and chocolate is brown. And there was no chocolate in that car, anyway. What can I say? Wishful thinking? Bad lighting?

The end.