Paragraphs

I don't understand something. Please do not tell. I'm an English teacher, you see. I'm supposed to know this shit. But I think actually that nobody else knows either, so perhaps I'm safe.

Paragraphs are supposed to be broken up thusly:

1) All sentences in a paragraph must be about the same topic.

2) A paragraph must contain at least two sentences.

3) A paragraph should not be too long, as it may frighten the reader.

4) When you change topics, you should begin a new paragraph.

5) The introduction to whatever you say should be its own separate paragraph. 

6) The conclusion, too.

First of all, I do not understand the definition of topic. Like so much in life, and especially in grammar, it seems so arbitrary. For instance, we're still talking about paragraphs, so isn't that the same topic? Why is this the third paragraph? I guess you could say that each paragraph discusses a different thing about the topic, but once we start to parse stuff out like that, we are on a slippery slope, I tell you. Soon we will decide that each sentence, technically, is saying something new, since we aren't a sucky writer and would never repeat ourselves. What then? Rule four directly contradicts rule two in this case. I try not to panic, but this cannot be! What ever shall we do??

When I was very young, I read all of the Ramona books by Beverly Cleary. Perhaps you have heard of her. She also has some young adult soft porn stuff. Oh, no, that's Judy Blume--never mind. Anyway, so like that. Does the part about the porn go in a separate paragraph? Really? I cannot bring myself to accept that. (Here I'm tempted to start talking about cannot and can not, which are supposed to be interchangeable, but I think my head would explode.)

Ramona, when being taught to write, is told that a paragraph has to have the same, single topic. In her example, she writes about a cat. She must be in second grade when this takes place. I'm not sure. Her paragraph is something like this:

Sentence 1: The cat is named Fluffy.

Sentence 2: Fluffy likes to play with yarn.

Sentence 3: Fluffy eats gourmet, organic cat food. (Okay this isn't what Ramona wrote because she was a pretend second grader in 1974 or something, when organic cat food didn't exist. I took some liberties.)

Sentence 4: Fluffy loves her owner, Millicent.

Sentence 5: One day, Fluffy got lost.

So, Ramona gets in trouble because getting lost has nothing to do with Fluffy's plaything/food/human preferences and/or proclivities. But the teacher is unclear. She does not say to Ramona, "sentences 1-4 are all about Fluffy's preferences and habits, while sentence 5 is not." She is useless and just says that getting lost has nothing to do with food. Of course Ramona is pretty smart, so she snaps back, "Well, food and yarn and the name of the cat and Millicent don't have anything to do with each other either!" And of course the damn teacher walks away, making teachers everywhere look bad. Thanks for that, Beverly Bitch.

The point of this ridiculous story, which I have twisted beyond all recognition, is that IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL! And when I think too hard about it, I think about Ramona, and I get all stressed out. Because I am like Ramona. I do not know! Only, she has the excuses of being imaginary, in 1974 before any extensive paragraph study had been undertaken, and in second grade, while I am a bloody-English-freaking-teacher! Who doesn't get paragraphs. Oh, grammar, whom I abhor and adore, how nuanced and ridiculous you are.

The end.