Fake Advice Column

Dear Fake Advice Column,

Recently, I ran into my old college roommate at the park. She had two babies! But, only one of them was cute. We chatted for a bit, and as we were saying goodbye, I said, "your baby is adorable, by the way." I kinda tried to slur a little, so she'd think I said "babies" and not be upset, but she just seemed to think I was drunk. What would you have done?

Signed,

Two Babies, One Cute

Dear Two,

Lie.

Love,

Fake Advice Colomn

Dear Fake Advice Column,

Really? Even if one was incredibly homely, and there was no way she could ever believe anyone who called him cute?

Signed,

Two Babies, One Cute

Dear Two,

Yes, really, you dumbass.

Love,

Fake Advice Column

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Dear Fake Advice Column,

I have been using an online dating service. I notice that everyone seems to believe they are good in bed. How can that be? How is there good with no bad? Don't these opposites define one another? If everyone is good in bed, how can anyone be good in bed? Wouldn't we all just be the same, then?

Signed,

Good in Bed

Dear Good in Bed,

People suck. There are a zillion who are crappy in bed, but they don't know it. They all think they're good, and they're all running around humble bragging about it -- "I've never had any complaints" and that kind of thing. 

To which Fake Advice Column says, "never seems rather unlikely, if you're actually having sex. So, perhaps you weren't listening because you're a self-absorbed wanker."

I, personally, will not go out with anyone who claims to be good in bed because if they think that, they probably won't listen to suggestions. Plus, being indiscreet about how good you are in bed is just cheesy.

Love,

Fake Advice Column

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Dear Fake Advice Column,

I go to the deli every day and order a sandwich for lunch. Every day, the people who make the sandwich put cheese on it, even though I tell them please, no. The people in this country seem incapable of understanding that a person might dislike cheese. Wtf? I feel completely marginalized! Is too much to ask that they not put cheese on my sandwich? And if it is, why don't they just say, "look, it's too hard," so that I don't have my hopes dashed every single day?

Signed,

No Cheese

Dear No Cheese,

You've got to be kidding.

Love,

Fake Advice Column