Keys

Every time I'm holding ten hundred things, which is always and forevermore, I'm grateful that someone invented the car key fob. When I was a kid, you had to dig around in your bag for the actual key, pull it out, and stick it into the hole on the car door, just to get in! Now, thanks to modern technology, it is automatic. All I have to do is dig around in my bag to find both the key and the key fob (because the fob doesn't start the car, and presumably, I want to drive somewhere, not just sit in the car for, like, fun). Once I locate these things, I have to press one of the four buttons 17 times in quick succession, without hitting any of the other buttons, and some number of the car's door(s) unlock(s) automatically! Plus: it's always a surprise which one(s)--sometimes even a pleasant one.

I sometimes think I do not understand English. Doesn't the word 'automatic' mean you shouldn't have to do anything, even push a button?

In theory, all the doors unlock when I press the button twice, but, actually, only the driver's side door unlocks unless you press the button REALLY HARD an additional 36 times. Furthermore, my car is tricky. When I push the button the first time, it makes a clicking sound near its door handles and gives a little beep. As if to say, "please enter me! I am unlocked!" But, it is a liar, for those doors are still locked, or if they aren't, they will lock again before I can put my shit down to pull on the handle. This whole story makes it sound like I am a slow, clumsy person, but it is not so! I am quite spry. It's the car's fault.

For some reason, in every car I've ever tried to get into, the button I'm supposed to push to unlock the doors is stiff and unyielding, and I almost break my thumb. Meanwhile, the panic button goes off when the wind blows too hard. If I miss and press the wrong button, nbd. All that happens is the car instantly explodes into a five alarm fire siren which does not shut up until I press the buttons in some mystery pattern, which constantly eludes me. 

  "Panic stop--press any button," it says.

Psyche!

I'm good at pressing buttons, btw. I'm a fucking gamer, but this is an impossible task. Oh, and the car flashes all its lights, some of which I swear did not exist before I/the wind pressed the panic button. The light show is backup--just in case there is someone on the planet who didn't hear my poser fire truck/asshole car.

If, by some happenstance, I do get the doors unlocked without incident, for my security, they will lock themselves again after two (theoretically, 30) seconds. Because this is the approximate amount of time a person takes to open the back door, put all the groceries in, and then get in her own damn self. Um, no.

Dear whoever invented the car key fob,

You suck. 

Love,

me