So, my ex-House Guest and I aren't really speaking because I still want her to be my House Guest, and she can't or doesn't want to or something. There was lots of misery and drama, so we don't talk.
Last night I was watching "The Good Wife" with B. I dunno if you people saw it. It was pretty heartbreaking, the way Will seemed so bitter and vicious and wanted to destroy Peter to get back at Alicia after they'd had such a grand love. If you don't watch the show, I can't help you. Try to keep up. Anyway, I was upset.
"Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!" I said to B. (I did not actually cry.) "I don't want Big (not her real name, but we'll stick with the Chris Noth connection) and I to be like that. We're not like that, are we?"
"No," B said, reassuringly. "Big isn't like that."
She's very good at House Guest support.
"I know we're a hot mess," I sniffled. Okay, maybe I did cry a little, but to be fair, I'd wept for half an hour over "Flowers in the Attic" (on Lifetime) the night before.
"Couldn't we be Cary and Kalinda -- just sort of hostile, but not necessarily On The Path To Destruction?" I wailed. "I don't want to be vicious enemies for all of our remaining days!"
Plus, Cary and Kalinda are hotter, and at the end of the episode, they have a drink. I want to have a drink, one day, with Big! I would be Cary, btw, or Will, if we have to be those two. Big is Kalinda/Alicia. I know you must be wondering who is who. But Cary is all hot and stoic, and Will is all sexy and surly. I am not stoic or surly at all. Sigh. Also, I'm not a super-hot, famous actor. I don't look like Cary or Kalinda, or Will or Alicia, or even Sarah Jessica Parker or Chris Noth. I am a regular person, and I spill on my shirt almost every day! I've never seen any of those people spill anything on their person, either in real or pretend. TV realism? Bullshit.
The point is, maybe Big doesn't even want me as her ex-House Guest-she-no-longer-speaks-to. Maybe she wants someone hotter, or more stoic or surly, or someone who is busy scheming, like Cary or Will, instead of someone who is busy crying over dumb tv and playing video games, like me. I can't even act right as an angry ex-House Guest!
Speaking of video games, I have this new one, and it was free. So, of course it advertises to me. I don't think it understands me, though. It thinks I want to watch Hulu (I'm a Netflix/Prime grrl),
Speaking of video games, I have this new one, and it was free. So, of course it advertises to me. I don't think it understands me, though. It thinks I want to watch Hulu (I'm a Netflix/Prime grrl),
visit a spa in Tuscany (ok, who doesn't?),
and recover from my oxycodone addiction, which I developed due to my repeated video game failures.
Also, it thinks I want to play slot machine games, which are so unrelated to the games I play that I do not know what to do. Whatever, ad people. Misunderstood, as always, am I.
Before you get the wrong idea, I should tell you that the vast majority of my House Guests, former House Guests, sometimes House Guests, and almost House Guests and I are quite friendly. JJ was an almost House Guest and comes over every Friday for ping pong and sleeps in the guest room because it is always too late, and we are always too tipsy. Mara and I have never exchanged a harsh word. And Casey, who is no longer my House Guest, still comes over sometimes and is perfectly lovely.
I'm not one of those people who just can't get along. But I am stuck when it comes to Big. Sort of like when I was stuck with this pot rack I ordered from Amazon years ago. I wanted it up, but the place I wanted it had an a/c shaft, and I couldn't drill into it. My stud finder kept thinking the a/c shaft was a ceiling joist, and I kept believing it, and no amount of beer or country music could get that pot rack up. Then, on Saturday, post ping pong, I said to JJ, "Dude, get up. Help me with my pot rack."
JJ was game, and we went to Homo Depot. I gave up on the ceiling joists and bought some anchors. I tried to avoid the places my stud finder wanted me to drill into, thus dodging the a/c vent, and voila:
I just looked up my Amazon order history, and I've been trying to hang that pot rack since June 3, 2011. Maybe in a few years, I will get unstuck with Big, too.
Before you get the wrong idea, I should tell you that the vast majority of my House Guests, former House Guests, sometimes House Guests, and almost House Guests and I are quite friendly. JJ was an almost House Guest and comes over every Friday for ping pong and sleeps in the guest room because it is always too late, and we are always too tipsy. Mara and I have never exchanged a harsh word. And Casey, who is no longer my House Guest, still comes over sometimes and is perfectly lovely.
I'm not one of those people who just can't get along. But I am stuck when it comes to Big. Sort of like when I was stuck with this pot rack I ordered from Amazon years ago. I wanted it up, but the place I wanted it had an a/c shaft, and I couldn't drill into it. My stud finder kept thinking the a/c shaft was a ceiling joist, and I kept believing it, and no amount of beer or country music could get that pot rack up. Then, on Saturday, post ping pong, I said to JJ, "Dude, get up. Help me with my pot rack."
JJ was game, and we went to Homo Depot. I gave up on the ceiling joists and bought some anchors. I tried to avoid the places my stud finder wanted me to drill into, thus dodging the a/c vent, and voila:
I just looked up my Amazon order history, and I've been trying to hang that pot rack since June 3, 2011. Maybe in a few years, I will get unstuck with Big, too.
Until then, we're Cary and Kalinda. Nobody is on a Path Of Destruction. We're misaligned, not vicious. Why, just yesterday, she liked a picture of me on Facebook: clearly, our loyalty is deep and true.
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